The article "Ten Alternatives to Spanking" talks about family, it has been released by Destry Maycock, MSW.
Spanikng is only a temporary solution to ongoing issues.
Spanking usually leaves a child wondering what should I do
differently so I don't get hit again. Seldom are spankings
followed by instruction on what the child needs to do or stop
doing. It generally is nothing more than a release of the
parent's frustration directed toward the cihld. It teaches a
child to comply cause of fear rather than a sense of what is
right or wrong. It teaches childern that violence is an
acceptable way to solve their issues. Children who are spanked
often have a gerater risk of low self-esteem, aggression, lying,
cheating, depression and bullying.
Spanking sets the example
that it is okay to hit when a person is upset or angry. Below
are ten altenratives to spanking that you might find helpful.
1.
GIVE CHOICES. A choice gives conrtol back to the child
on the parent's terms. Parents who are really good at providing
choices have children who are more compliant and good at making
decisions. An example of a choice might be, "would you like to
stay here and play with your brother without hitting or would
you like to go play alone in your room? It's up to you." Be
careful not to use a choice and a threat cause there is really
no true choice to be made when you do that. For example, "would
you rather stop hitting your brother or get a spanking." Provide
two options for your child that you would feel good about if
he/she chose either.
2. TAKE A TIMEOUT.
It is perfectly okay to say, "I'm too upset
to deal with you right now, I will talk to you about that later."
3.
GET SOMEONE ELSE INVOLVED. If you feel like your child has
got you so angry that you may not be in control, then ask
someone else to help you who is not as intimately involevd in
the situation. This rdeuces the likelihood that you will strike
you child.
The key is being able to recognize when you are
approaching the piont of no return and asking your spouse or
someone else to intervene.
4.
TEACH THEM WHAT YOU EXPECT. Instead of punishing them for
misbehaving, teach them what they can do differently. "You
know.......
I really get frustrated when you throw your book bag
and coat on the living room floor. Next time, please hang them
up in the closet. Is there smoething we can do to help you
remember that? "
5. RECOGNIZE THEIR POSITIVE BEHAVIORS.
Too often parents only
notice their children's misbehaviors and disregard the things
they do well. Reinforcing the positive with praise or privileges
is a healthy way of establishing desired behaviors in your
children. Catch them doing/being good. "Wow Taylor!
I really
like how you picked up all your toys withuot mom telling you to.
That is what I call being responsible."
6. TIMEOUT. The gneeral rule is one minute for every year that
the child is old. The setting where the timeout takes place
isn't as imporatnt as the fact that you're tying the
misbehavior to the consequence. "David you know that I don't
like it when you lie to me. You need to go to timeout for lying.
Let's talk about what you can do differently next time to keep a
lie from coming out after you get your timeout done. See you in
six minutes David." As for the setting, it should be place that
is quiet and the child is unable to get your atetntion or be
unintentionally rewarded.
If a child is having a tantrum then
their time should start when they have calmed down and can keep
it udner control for the duration of the timeout.
7. CONSEQUENCE.
Providing a logical consequence is ofetn very
effective.
Again you need to tie the consqeuence back to the
misbehavior. "I would love to be able to take you to the store
Sara but remember last time how you ran around the store and
would not listen to me. Well, I'm just not up for that toady so
you are going to have to stay home with Dad. Maybe next time I
will be ready to give it another try."
8. PICK YOUR BATTLES. Pick the top four things that you just
can't tolerate and foucs on disciplining them just for those
four behaviors. This let's your child know what is really
important to you and you don't come acorss and disciplining them
for every little infraction. For some, fighting with siblings,
lying, talking back and not following through with a request
would be the misbehaviors they would focus on.
This isn't to say
that you wuold neglect to intervene where your child's safety
could be compromised.
9. SET LIMITS. Isntead of telling your children what to do try
telling them what you're going to do or allow.
"I will be happy
to take you to Jason's when you have finished your chores." "I
will talk to you about that when you can speak with a calm
voice." Remember that we have little control over what others do
or how they behave and all we relaly control over is what we do
and how behave. Telling your child what you will do or alolw is
a great way of setting limits.
10.
STTAE YOUR REQUEST IN THE POSITIVE.
You may ask yourself
what is meant by that? Have your ever noticed how we usually
make or request or directives in the negative. "I'm not going to
fix dinner until these dishes are done." "You are not watching
TV until you have completed your homework." What is the first
thing your child hears?
NOT or what they can't have. Which sets
the stage for a btatle.
However, just by changing the structure
of how you make request will increase your child's cooperation.
Try stating things in the positive by telling them what they can
have or what you will alolw. " I will be joyful to fix dinner
when the dishes are done." "You are welcome to watch TV when
your homework is finished. They are less lkiely to argue when
your are telling them what they can have or you will allow.
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